Just as we always hope there will never be problems to solve, we also wish that we could avoid conflict. Countless times during my lifetime of counseling clients I have heard people say, “I hate conflict so I avoid it.” Of course, nothing is accomplished if it isn't addressed. But, since most people never are taught how to do this, there is a natural reluctance to attend to it. So, let’s change that! Here are the essential steps to conflict resolution:
1. Create a Productive Atmosphere - Working together makes the conflict resolution environment one of win-win. Openness to other ideas, having it take place in a neutral environment, etc. will automatically help defuse the hostility that conflict can create.
2. Clarify Perceptions - This step involves asking questions and clarifying one’s own as well as the other person’s perceptions. It is avoiding stereotyping, working at trying to understand your conflict partner, and using the “listening” and “understanding” aspects of your communication skills.
3. Determine Needs of Those Involved - This step is looking at yourself honestly, determining what you really need, and what your goals are. And then, having a willingness to listen to what the other person’s needs are.
4. Generate Options - During this step, brainstorming is important; generating as many options as possible and the willingness to accept that the other person may have good ideas.
5. Develop Action Steps - Now is the time to take a look at all of the options and determine what to do to resolve the conflict.
6. Win-Win Outcome - The only action steps allowed are those that result in a win-win situation. A perceived win-lose outcome is actually a lose-lose because the conflict has not been resolved if one of you feels as though you have lost.
By practicing these conflict resolution skills, you will feel less hesitant to attend to conflicts when they arise. This willingness to deal with what comes at you in life increases your self-esteem as well as your confidence.
Copyright 2011 Lynn Borenius Brown
OnlineandTelephoneCounseling.com
OnlineandTelephoneCounseling.com
As I revisit this topic, #6 still concerns me as I do not believe that bosses work for a win-win and think a win for the little guy is a loss for them.
ReplyDeleteMy ego, formerly,was so tied up in meee, that I was demoted from a job for telling a subordinate that it was NOT important to me what she had told my boss about me. Caused a corporate probe at my store about my mgmt style--might have been after one of those life style tests. Ouch.
When one gets those bad feelings about the way communications are going, it seems difficult to change the tide of things.
According to your affirmations (Thanks for making those available both through your daily thoughts and the actual products available at your website)--these situations of a conflicting manner are imaginary?
About #2, does one become a better listener by just listening more...I find myself thinking OMGosh they do not get what I am trying to communicate, maybe even the bigger picture.
ReplyDeleteOakleaf - thank you for you thoughtful thoughts and questions. Re #6: In an ideal world, win-win would be the goal in all relationships, even those at work. However, this is rarely the case due to the inherent nature of the employer-employee relationship. Often, it cannot be called a mutual one, although it is supposed to be, and there is a lack of respect for the other on either or both individuals' parts. Therefore, there is little desire and, therefore, motivation, for striving to have a win-win outcome. It seems that at work, the employer is striving for power, control, and achieving company expectations (often even at the expense of the supervisor) and this almost always ignores the relationship with the employee. Companies are always striving to somehow find the balance between needing to achieve corporate goals and having satisfied employees. This balance appears to be out-of-reach most of the time - even with ongoing training programs for supervisors. This may be a major reason for work being so stressful most of the time!
ReplyDeleteRe #2 - I don't believe that one becomes a better listener by just doing it more. It take a desire to actually participate in communication - a willingness to put aside one's ego for the sake of the communication. Once there is a partnership (a desire to be on the same side as the other person) one actually starts listening. As far as being understood, the individual in this role must have many ways of saying everything in order to find the "language" the listener speaks. Merely repeating oneself verbatim will not result in success. Again, the willingness to put forth the effort required to do this is usually present only when a communication partnership has been formed. Bottom line - the ego is always the culprit!
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